For those of you who don't know, there are a couple of 'do's' and 'don'ts' when it comes to relationships whether you are in one or whether you have a friend who is in one.
Some of them are plain obvious:
- It's not okay to steal someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend. You can wait until someone is single.
- It's not okay to screw someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend. Again, there may be a time when the person you like is single. It can wait.
- It's not okay to kill someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm pretty sure this will never be okay to do.
- It is okay to tell someone you think they might be in a verbally/physically/emotionally abusive relationship if you have evidence/other witnesses to back up your claims. (I would probably recommend this since abusive relationships can escalate into all kinds of problems later.)
- It is okay to say your honest opinion of your friend's significant other/girlfriend/boyfriend as long as it remains an opinion. And, yes, opinions may change (from good to bad or from bad to good). *
*I will explain this later.
I think most people can understand that these are either obvious or extreme. There are more of these obvious 'don'ts' and 'do's'
But I think that there are is a large population of couples that don't know the more elusive items of this list. Here are a few that I wanted to bring to light. Oh, and I've been dealing with these in particular for a long, long time. A couple of years now. (Currently in a relationship of five years.) And I believe that because I seem to be bombarded with these kinds of comments so frequently, they need to be addressed somewhere.
1. It's not polite to say "You should break up with him/her" to someone who is in a relationship.
This has happened to me on a few occasions. It's come in the form of "Aren't you ever curious about other people?" or "If there's someone else out there for you?" as well as "Oh, he did _<trivial thing that I will forget about within two days>_? You should break up with him!" and "He's totally wrong for you because _<of some other trivial thing that will be forgotten in a few days>_!"
For the first two statements, I just have to say "I'm happy". It's as simple as that. If I'm happy with who I'm with, why do I have to worry about what I'm missing? If I weren't with the person I am with already, wouldn't I be missing that too? If things fit together, then I'm happy. It's okay to be the type of person who 'settles'. There's nothing wrong with dating different people of course. Some people need the different experiences with lots of personalities to figure out exactly what they want. But if you know or if you're already happy with what you have, if it meets all your needs, then there's no reason to ruin an amazing relationship you already have, then don't. Simply put.
Now, I'm all for helping out a friend. "A friend in need is a friend indeed" as it were. But there's a fine line between being a helpful friend and being, well, a bit rude. (Maybe more than 'a bit'.)
I understand that it's good to care about your friends, your family members or whoever you know that's in a relationship. But let's think rationally for a moment. If they're coming to you for advice on a small trivial matter or simply they've come to you to talk about it because they want someone to listen to them and make them feel better, it probably means they trust you enough not to be negative about their relationship or to give positive and constructive advice.
Relationships hit bumps. They have ups and downs. That's natural especially because two people in a relationship with one another aren't identical in all things; they have different tastes in music, clothing, food, etc. Couples often don't even have to have the exact same favorite color to function in a relationship! So why is it that it seems like everyone expects couples to be absolutely, positively and undeniably perfect in every way for each other or it just won't work? I don't understand that. I was always told relationships should be about getting over trivial things, working through the hard times, and getting through tough situations together, growing and learning as you go along on this 'dynamic duo' journey. Not about letting go the first time you see trouble.
Whenever people say these kinds of things to me, I feel a little like they're trying to doom me, trying to make me question my feelings and trying to change me. And I don't really appreciate it.
2. There is such a thing as 'the boy who cried wolf' in relationships.
If you.'re the type of person to say 'I should break up with him/her' easily, stop. Shut up. And think for a second.
Your friends, your family - basically anyone who cares about you - is going to take you seriously when you say this and become protective of you. It doesn't matter how small or big the fight; it's not a good idea to throw around the words 'I should break up with him/her' so lightly.
If you are serious, then do it. If you're not serious, shut your trap. Really.
There is nothing more aggravating than having someone tell you they're having problems with their boyfriend/girlfriend, saying they want to call it off only to say one week later after listening to all their complaints and tears for hours, "Oh, we decided to give it another chance". For the sixth time that year. This has to stop.
Not only does this make it hard for your friends or family to take you seriously when you complain about your relationship/s (because it often leaves the bitter taste of 'S/he's just being a little bitch again, huh?'), it will make listening to your complaints (whether mild or extreme in nature) a goddamn chore.
In my personal experience, it has also lead to a lot of confusion and animosity not only to the significant other, but to the person I know who is complaining. My mentality is often:
If they're so terrible to do things you don't like that you have to complain so much about it and borderline hate them, then it's probably time to let go. If you're not happy, it's time to let go. If you don't want to let go, that's your deal. But fuck off if you get mad at me for avoiding your boyfriend/girlfriend because I don't like them given all the bullshit you complain about.
So, with that said the moral of this little 'don't' is more or less be careful what you say. People listen to you probably more carefully than you think, and they don't take things lightly if they care about you because they don't want to see you getting hurt.
3. Suddenly being in a relationship doesn't make you an expert. Especially if it's only your first.
Recently (actually, it lasted two years, but whatever) I had the accusations put against me that I was a bad girlfriend because my boyfriend and I used to bicker a lot. The one who filed these accusations so to speak automatically took this as 'They're not good for each other'. (It was accompanied by a couple of other complains and accusations, but they've been dealt with minutely for the time being.)
Not long after 'noticing' this, she [that is, the 'accuser'] entered her own (and her very first) relationship. Once this happened and she experienced what is commonly known as the 'honeymoon phase' of her relationship for that first year or two (thankfully, it's settled down a little now that it's been three years for her and her boyfriend), she began to dislike me based on how wonderful she saw her relationship and how 'unwonderful' she saw mine. When I sat down with her and told her "We've been together for five years, so sometimes we're going to fight. It's part of being in a relationship" (paraphrased; I don't remember my exact words but they were similar to this), she replied, "Time doesn't matter". Okay, fine. I acknowledge that time isn't an excuse or reason to stay together nor is it always a valid claim that being together longer makes you better at dating and relationships. I think I see that that was how she interpreted it. But that wasn't what I was trying to say.
Again, this goes back to the fact that couples often have to get through ups and downs. My boyfriend and I are not two of the exact same person. (Come on! Even identical twins don't have the exact same likes and dislikes!) And five years is a long time to be together. It seems only logical that there will be different growth and maturity periods for the both of us to undergo as we make our journey through young adulthood to adulthood, from dependency on our families to independence once we have finished university and gotten jobs to feed, shelter and provide for ourselves. It can be tough during these growth periods, and change is difficult. No one truly likes change unless it's for the better. And sometimes, it's hard to see whether it's for the better or whether it's for the worse before and during the course of that change. It takes time and patience. This can be applied to lots of different kinds of relationships (mother-daughter, father-son, friend-friend, wife-husband, etc.) because people change little by little each day. And it's safe to say that when you're close to someone, you often times don't see the changes until something major happens that makes you notice them.
My taste in music has changed quite a bit since I first started dating my boyfriend. His study habits have changed. The types of things we do when we're together has changed (from walking around the mall for hours to being more home bodies and playing games on our computers or studying quietly together). Change can sometimes cause a lot or very little friction. It all depends.
Yes, sometimes change leads to break ups. And sometimes it doesn't. It just requires some time to really know whether or not the change has hurt or helped. Or whether those changes in the two people in that relationship can be dealt with or not. Again, it all depends.
But back to the point I was making.
It really shouldn't matter how many years I've been in my relationship. It shouldn't matter what she perceives mine to be or what I perceive hers to be. They're different. Because everyone is different.
If time doesn't matter, then maybe having a little more time to have more experiences does. There are a lot of things that I have been through, that I've seen and experienced both in my time as someone single and as someone in a serious relationship. I've been there for other people, listened to their complaints, their problems, their concerns - I know a few things. Not everything (not even close), but for now enough. And I'm always willing to learn more things. Just because I have a fight with my boyfriend or we argue a little bit doesn't make us absolutely wrong for each other.
Again, why does it seem like people look at couples as two people that need to be perfect and meet each others' every needs, wants and desires. That's unrealistic.
*Now, about that 'opinions' thing I mentioned earlier on.
It has a lot do with the fact that I can say the most mundane thing about my boyfriend. For example, "He doesn't like Late Night Alumni (music group) too much". Okay, he has an opinion. And fine, it's okay for someone to say, "Really? I love them. Has he really given them a listen?" But it's not really okay to say "WOW, he's a fucking IDIOT. HOW COULD YOU NOT LIK-" Yeah, no. If it's not okay for someone to say that about your friends (which it's not, it's pretty rude and makes you look like a bit of a cunt), then why in the seven levels of hell would it be acceptable to say it about someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend?
I feel it's especially unacceptable to say 'You should break up with them' after telling your friend about a small, possibly awkward experience. Or about the mundane.
"We kissed for the first time, but he missed." "You should break up with him." No.
"We went to a restaurant, but something embarrassing happened. We might not go there for a while.." "You should break up with him." No.
"He doesn't like all the same music as I do." "You should break up with him." No.
[As a disclaimer, I'm not saying that any of these are true. I'm giving examples.]
Like I said, it's really only acceptable to stick your nose in someone else's personal business with their boyfriend/girlfriend if they're in an emotionally/physically/mentally abusive or unstable relationship. Especially if it gives you concerns that it's causing considerable damage (again, emo./phys./ment.-ally) to your friend/family member/this person you care about.
Now, with all that said.
Take these into consideration. And have a nice day.
